Bali will hand you karma on a platter and force you to face it until you fix it. Worthiness kept coming up. All my life, I’ve felt used for my resources, whether it was money, time, network, well, you get it.
I didn’t mind. And that was the problem. I was shortchanging my value because I was pouring out my value and receiving fake or no support/energy in the process. It took me a long time to see that I was an elephant in a room full of rats. Instead of standing in my greatness and pouring value into me, I was pouring into others hoping they would turn into elephants too. You get the metaphor.
But recently, after many confrontations in regards to my boundaries and sharing of my resources, I have realized that the version of me that used to play small, accommodate, and compromise my value is officially dead.
If you’ve been following Fear List, you know that my entire philosophy revolves around a singular truth: when you look your fear directly in the eyes and own it, it loses every ounce of its power. You don’t let it overcome you; you use the debris to rebuild.
Right now, I am living this in real-time. This week, I am packing up my boxes and moving out of my house. And as I stand between the life I am leaving and the one I am creating, this reading gave me the ultimate confirmation that the lesson has not just been learned—it has been put into effect.
My colorful and beautiful living room.
The Illusion of the Beautiful House
When I first moved into this home, it looked beautiful. It felt like a sanctuary. But as anyone who has ever owned or rented a space knows, once you actually start living in it, you see the cracks. You notice the deep foundational issues.
That house became a perfect physical mirror for my life.
I moved into what was an established Indonesian neighborhood, looking for peace. Instead, after leaving for LA for three months, I returned to absolute chaos. For the next six months, my reality was endless construction, noise, and the heavy, curious gossip of neighbors.
Before this shift, my default response to discomfort was to put on a mask. I used to just smile, play nice, and try to be kind to keep the peace. I let people cross my lines because I was afraid of making waves.
Not anymore.
The Collapse of the Sufferer
I gave myself a reading on my energy and it centered around The Tower and The Hanged Man.
For years, shortchanging my worth was tied to the fear of causing discomfort, the fear of conflict, and the martyrdom of keeping others happy at my own expense. The Hanged Man represents a total inversion of that perspective. I finally saw the truth upside down: what I thought was peace-keeping was actually self-abandonment.
That realization was the lightning bolt that triggered The Tower. Ok, Bali, I hear you! The old, fragile structure of who I used to be, the version of me that accepted the bare minimum just to maintain a sense of false security, had been torn down to the ground.
Standing the High Ground
Here is the raw, vulnerable truth about choosing your worth: People do not applaud when you stop playing small.
Lately, people in my environment have tried to start little arguments with me over the most invasive things. Showing up unannounced at my house. Cutting down bushes on my property without asking. Expecting me to automatically say "yes" to whatever they want.
And when I say "no," they get upset. I don't carry the weight of their anger. I realize it is not my problem; it is theirs. I refuse to absorb their energy.
I don't smile through the disrespect anymore. I ignore the gossip. You are not going to make me feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I engage differently now. How you treat me is exactly how I will be treating you.
My bedroom in Sanur, Bali.
Reclaiming the Poured Out Energy
I know what people are saying. They think I'm being "selfish" because my focus has completely shifted inward. But the reality is simple: I don’t have a husband, and I don’t have children. There is no one else I am required to focus on.
They aren't actually mad that I'm being selfish; they are mad because I am no longer focusing on them.
I am no longer pouring my love, time, and support into people and environments where I get absolutely nothing in return. For years, that dynamic left me completely, chronically drained. Now, I am keeping that love for myself. I am investing it back into my own life, my own healing, and my own future.
I feel more balanced, grounded, and centered than I ever have before. And because I walked away from the table where respect wasn't being served, people are very well aware of my absence.
My fear used to be their discomfort. But by naming that fear, owning my history of shortchanging myself, while packing my bags, which is a little lighter today, to leave this neighborhood behind, that fear has lost all its power.
I have taken the high ground. The tower has fallen, the lessons are in my bones, and I am stepping into a future where my worth is entirely non-negotiable.
If you are standing in the cracks of your own old life today, look up. The horizon is yours. Protect it fiercely. And if you need support, I am here.
